Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
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[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them