Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
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The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Smile they said.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?