Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
The Backseat Boys
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]