SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
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Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want