gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
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Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?