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If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Love is in the air fryer.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.