Love is in the air fryer.
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Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.