I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
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Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
the best thing i’ve ever made
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced