the best thing i’ve ever made
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Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Herpes is trending, good job people
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake