For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
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*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.