ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
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Guys, I found it.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Oh we’ve met.