My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
You Might Also Like
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
are they though??
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes