Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
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To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*