me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
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Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.