You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
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When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Last-minute gift idea!
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
How animals would run if they were human