Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
You Might Also Like
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
welp
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
When your parents check you’re ok.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”