I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
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American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
They’re the worst 😩
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait