Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
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Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Customize Your Wedding.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!