Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
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I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep