I ain鈥檛 never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 馃槶
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My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Well it鈥檚 been a week and I鈥檝e already f鈥檈d things up so here鈥檚 to 2025
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Here鈥檚 how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn鈥檛 take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn鈥檛 want any fries but here we are.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-