I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
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Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
We have a winner.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.