My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
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EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Home is where your toilet is.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted