Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
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ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My circle of trust is a meatball
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”