Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
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people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*