Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
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Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.