Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
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FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I’ve had relationships like this
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night