What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
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No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
$3 #books
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
It do be feeling this way.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.