Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
You Might Also Like
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
we’re dead?
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?