All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
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The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic