[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
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Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”