Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
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the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
#polloftheday
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”