i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
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My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
That eye roll….
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”