I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
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if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive