I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
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Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.