My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
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“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
sleeping beauty
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.