“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
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I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
my lower back watching me try to live my life
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?