2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
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Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.