The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
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There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Eggs benadryl my favourite
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.