Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
My patience has stretch marks.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this