Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.