*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
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It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.