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*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious