SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
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I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something