Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
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Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Cats are still liquid.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.