Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
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me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.