My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
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My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.