a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
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Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah