I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
You Might Also Like
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad