Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
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[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
me
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.