me
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mechanics be like
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
I was bored.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
The Weeknd is back
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.