(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
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me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
🙂🐾